Wednesday 7 November 2018

The UK, is it worth it?

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

 The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
 building and  improving his house and laying up supplies for the
 winter.  The grasshopper  thinks he's a fool, and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away.  Come  winter, the squirrel is
 warm and well fed.  The shivering grasshopper has no  food or
 shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

                        THE END

                        THE U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
 his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper
 thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
 Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
 and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well
fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
 The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
 with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a
table laden with food.


The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country
 of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others
 have plenty.  The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper
 Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
  The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".


Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel  got rich
off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel
 to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter
 inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic
Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of
 the summer.  The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.  He is taken to court and
 fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on
 his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper
 did not want to work.  The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial
 aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi  firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile.  The squirrel's food is seized and redistributed to the more
needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.  Without enough money
 to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the
 squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilize it as a temporary home
 for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had
to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the
 airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.  The cats had been arrested
 for the international offense of hijacking and attempted bombing but were
immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon
whilst in custody.  Initial moves to then return them to their own country were
 abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats
devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's
 food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles
 around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain

the house.  He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is
blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.  The cats seek recompense in the
 British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get
money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because
 he has been in custody for a few weeks.  He is placed in the care of the
probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has
 killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of inquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the
 obvious, is set up.  Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation
 scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers
is increased.  The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
 Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticized by the government for failing
 to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame
 it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair
arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison.   They call for the resignation of a minister.  The cats are paid a
million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government
failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
 their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and
order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a
shortfall in government funds.

                        THE END

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